


Dear Diary

by handwritten (onefromanotherworld)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Gen, Party King Thranduil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 06:19:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3109253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onefromanotherworld/pseuds/handwritten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Very short glimpses to the diaries of our favourite elfs and a special appearance from Thorin.<br/>This is basically a compilation of headcanons that came to be as part of a denial for BotFA. It's pure undiluted crack, you have been warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Contest

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Elfsolutely Fabulous](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/90893) by Gimmethehobbit. 



> There are three persons you should blame for this work:  
> Gimmethehobbit and her Elfsolutely Fabulous comic, you could say this is an AU of that AU. Comic 51 is specially important to understand one of the main headcanons http://gimmethehobbit.tumblr.com/post/100242575046/elfsolutely-fabulous-51-first-previous  
> Peter Jackson and his calling Legolas Thranduil Jr.  
> My friend Thorin who created half or more of these headcanons.
> 
> I trust that Tolkien forgives us for doing this to his characters. (That there was my disclaimer and apology).
> 
> *Thranduil's entries will be in bold; Legolas' will be in italics.

**Dear Diary,**

**Today I woke up looking fab, as usual. Leggy on the other hand… not so much… I swear I saw him go out without his blue contact lenses!**

**Sometimes I wonder how I have failed him. Thrandy Jr. seems to do much better; he even painted his hair green the other day --A trend-setter. Maybe I could use his example to make Leggy come to his senses.**

**I know! I’ll do a contest, and when his younger brother beats him, it’ll be a wake-up call for him. Yes, that could work. I’ll put Galion to work right away!**

 

* * *

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and saw Ada leaving my room very quietly. I wonder what he was doing. I asked him about it this morning over breakfast but he just yelled at me to strop prying into his life. Ada is weird sometimes._

* * *

 

**Dear Diary,**

**The contest was a complete success! Leggy did not look happy when he received his “Not so fab” sash. Thrandy Jr. looked great! He even added a pair of sunglasses to his wardrobe. He did deserve that prize.**

**P.S.: I sent Thorin a “Totally Unfab” sash, I hope he gets it. He didn’t come to the contest, but he was a shoe-in nonetheless.**

 

* * *

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Today Ada did a contest to see who was “the fabest” and he gave the prize to The Pineapple! I can’t believe it! I can’t believe he prefers that piece of fruit to his own son! Sometimes I wish I could… never mind, Ada would die of grief if something did happen to it…_

_Tauriel came over after the contest. She didn’t win a sash, I don’t know why, she’s better than “fab”. She’s Tauriel._

 


	2. Fashion statements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrandy takes fashion very seriously.

**Dear Diary,**

**Today I met a Hobbit, he was the most curious creature. He was so small and plain… but he was wearing this hairy Uggs on his feet that blew my mind!**

**He said his feet were not a fashion statement but I know best, he can’t fool me.**

**This is going straight to my fashion blog for this week. Move over blue foundation and heavy eyeliner! The Uggs are here to stay!**

 

* * *

 

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Ada has finally stopped painting his skin blue (and mine, thank Mandos) and putting on that terrible eyeliner but now he’s wearing hairy shoes… I tried reasoning with him, but he only got upset because I don’t read his fashion column. Oh well…_


	3. Party and Afterparty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was inspired on Thranduart's "Thranduil Cosplay Music Video (Lady Gaga Parody)"  
> You can watch it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DB0i3U2U49w

**Dear Diary,**

**I’ve been soooooo bored, lately! We need some excitement around here… and I way to remind everybody how faboo I am.**

**I think it’s time for a party!**

**No, I need something more. Parties are so mainstream, really, even themed-parties. I want to wow everybody, I need something fresh, something new.**

**Music video!!!**

 

* * *

 

 

**Dear Diary,**

**The ~~party/video~~ video-party was a success! Everybody came in disguise, tho I don’t know what most of them were thinking. I’m not sure if Leggy is in the video or not, he doesn’t want to have fun with me nowadays. I don’t know why he’s so boring. Anyway, the music was loud, there were drinks for all, and everybody danced or tried to (insert face). It was the party of the year! I bet Elly’s already heard of it and is fuming coz he didn’t think of it first.**

**But that’s my talent, being better than everybody else.**

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Today Tauriel and I were really really bored while Ada was shooting his “music video” and decided to try and get in his forbidden cellar. Tauriel thinks there’s a dwarf hidden in there, or something. She has this idea that Ada has a secret dwarf lover. It’s a good thing no one else has ever heard her say that, they would banish her, at least. But I can’t deny the idea of my father liking dwarves is amusing. My theory is better, though, I bet Ada has a stash of pineapples locked in there. I wanted to see it with my own eyes so I could go with The Pineapple and tell it that it’s not really special…_

_Now that I think of it, how crazy am I? I can’t believe I’m thinking so much about how to upset a piece of fruit that’s not even magical. Or is it?_

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

**Dear Diary,**

**Today Leggy called Thrandy Jr. a pineapple again.**

**It upsets me so much that he can’t accept his brother.**

**Thrandy Jr. is no better, to tell the truth. He’s convinced himself to be the next in line for the throne. I have to do something to strengthen the bond between them. Maybe we should eat more as a family.**

**That would interfere with the parties, tho.**

**Maybe we should go out together, just the three of us!**


	4. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin gets his sash.

Dear Diary,

Today I got a package from Thranduil.

I fear not from the elf, but I still managed it as a threat until I opened it.

It was a sash that read “Totally Unfab”.

I am not even going to ask; only Thranduil knows what’s going on inside his mind.


	5. Bonding Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family outing. Things don't go as planned.

_Dear Diary,_

_Today Ada took us on what he called “bonding time”._

_We went into the woods, it had been a long time. Ada thinks he needs his fancy robe and crown, and his party glasses and a drink to look fabulous, but the truth is he only needs to run through the woods, to jump on the trees and to use his sword. I still remember watching him practice when I was young, he was the best of all Mirkwood. It would have been perfect if The Pineapple hadn’t come along. It was wearing a golden diaper or I don’t know what that was supposed to be, and its sunglasses, of course. Ugh! (Did I mention it hasn’t taken off its stupid sash since the contest? What’s up with that?)_

_I should have let the spiders take it when I had the chance…_

_Ada asked for an elfie of the three of us and insisted that I hugged TP (it’s getting tiring to write pineapple), but I didn’t, because it’s stupid. And that was the end of the “bonding time”. It wasn’t pretty, I had to come back home on my own. I went to look for Tauriel but she was on patrol. Not the best of days._

* * *

 

* * *

 

 

**Dear Diary,**

**In the end I decided to go out with the kids, just as we used to… before…**

**I admit I had fun in spite of the terrible soundtrack that the woods offer, and the fact that it was so early that the sun was still shining. It was almost perfect but Leggy, stubborn as he is, ruined the moment. I didn’t stand up for it this time and I took Thrandy Jr. back home. Leggy decided to return on his own, I suspect he went to Tauriel. Maybe she’s the one who’s been poisoning the mind of my little one. I’ll have to see to that.**

**In the meantime I asked Elly for his advice; I don’t know what else to do. He was busy with Arwen so he’ll call me back. Maybe some time in the Jacuzzi will help while I wait.**

 


	6. Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elly answers. Legolas isn't happy.

**Dear Diary,**

**I got an answer from Elly, he gloated about the fact that his Arwen is soooo perfect, and said he didn’t have good advice to offer, but he told me to call a wizard. They are old and nosy enough to know what to do. They say Gandalf is far away, and I don’t really like Saruman’s style (has no one told him not to wear white after Labor Day?! OMG!). Radagast’s style is also a bit offensive, but at least he tries to be creative. We are seeing him the day after tomorrow. May Eru protect us.**

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Ada took us to see some wizard today, something about therapy? I wasn’t paying attention, I kept thinking about the fact that I saw him leave my room last night again. It’s the weirdest thing. This time I didn’t ask him._

_The wizard is a strange man (he has bird poo on his hair! I wonder if someone has told him that. I wonder if I should.) I have no idea what was supposed to happen, but I guess that me asking Ada why TP’s stylist is better than mine was not it… But seriously, though, why does it get a better stylist than me? It doesn’t even have hair! The wizard just sat there looking confused and talking to his animals about us. I think I heard him say that I should be more like my brother?! We shouldn’t have gone there._

_I need to go for a walk, with some luck I’ll become best friends with a dwarf and then Ada will care about me again a bit more. Maybe?_

_~~I should take TP and lose it forever…~~ _


	7. Leggy goes missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Worries and consequences of Legolas' dissapearance.  
> [Tauriel's entry is in normal font.]

**Dear Diary,**

**I haven’t seen Leggy in a week, I think. I hope he went to a party, but I suspect he didn’t.**

**Not even Tauriel knows where he is. She made a scene and it got ugly, we need to find Leggy. I sent a patrol to look for him but he didn’t even leave a trace. He’s good.**

**If he doesn’t come back by tomorrow I’ll go looking for him.**

**What worries me the most is that he finds out his terrible secret. It would destroy him…**

* * *

* * *

 

Dear Diary,

Today Lord Thranduil hit me. I never thought he would but he did.

He came looking for Legolas after he finally noticed he had gone missing. I’ve been looking for him for days now and not a clue. I told him it was TP’s fault, because he prefers him to his own son. I can’t believe I actually told him that it is just a pineapple.

Come to think of it, I’m lucky he only hit me.

Please come back, Legolas. We miss you.


	8. Safe and Sound (ish)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Legolas is back.

_Dear Diary,_

_A lot has happened. A lot more than what I expected when I left for a walk that afternoon. I still can’t believe it but it happened. I met a dwarf called Gimli and now he’s my best friend in all Middle Earth. He’s better than a pineapple, at any rate._

_But that is not the scariest and weirdest thing that happened._

_I stayed over at his place. The first night we went partying, the next we stayed home and played board games. But then, one day I realized that my hair was becoming darker. I still don’t know if it was an effect of over-exposure to dwarves but I came back home that very second._

_Ada says that the effects shouldn’t be permanent, and that by tomorrow I should be alright. I really hope so. I’ll still see Gimli, but I don’t think I’ll be staying over anymore._

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

**Dear Diary,**

**Leggy is back, thank Eru. I’m afraid he came back a little too late. It hurts me to write this but… his roots started showing! He believes it was a side-effect for being among dwarves (my son living with dwarves!), and I didn’t correct him. It’s better this way.**

**Tonight I’ll go into his room and fix this whole mess. At least he’s back.**

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drawing made by my friend Thorin.


	9. Tauriel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Legolas' disappearance and return has an effect on Tauriel. Dun dun dun (8).  
> Both entries are Tauriel's.

Dear Diary,

Legolas is back, safe and sound. I didn’t tell him about what happened with Lord Thranduil, I hope he doesn’t hear about it.

He came back with the most incredible story about him living among dwarves. I can’t believe he came back because of his hair, I bet I could hold on for longer. Either way, my hair is already dark.

 

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

 

~~Dear Diary,~~

~~I met the cutest dwarf ever! I think we’re engaged, he gave me a rock. Lord Thranduil is going to freak when he finds out.~~


	10. Thrandy Jr.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last entry. Plot-twist!

Dear Diary,

After hundreds of days, the elves still haven't seen through my disguise as a simple pineapple.

Each day my army grows stronger down in the forbidden cellar.

The time is near. I, Sauron, will rise once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's that. The fruit of a couple of minds that let their imagination run wild in face of BotFA.  
> I hope you laughed at least a bit.
> 
> Edit: we got official fanart and I couldn't be happier with how they turned, they are perfect :3 Thank you so much  
> http://gimmethehobbit.tumblr.com/post/107171538820/yooooooooooo


End file.
